I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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