I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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