His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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