I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
