Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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