how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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