question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
This is the high leading the old right now
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
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