Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
