Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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