its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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