There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
