I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
