No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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