Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I'm passing your future prison.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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