The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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