So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
