I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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