someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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