a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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