I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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