Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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