it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
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