I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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