saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
