K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
