Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
