is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
vagina is talking i cant
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
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