my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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