Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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