Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
