She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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