I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
