I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
