well I can't set my house on fire every night
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Randomize
