Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
