Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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