So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
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