I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
