We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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