the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
