So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
