so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
