Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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