My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
