gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
