i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
