Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
