and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
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