I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
