My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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