You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
The beer is more important than you right now.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
