I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Randomize
