I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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