Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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