porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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