Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
