I think I won the penis lottery.
is wine microwaveable?
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
